I love my husband, he is a wonderful man, kind, generous, a wonderful father. He is for all intents and purposes the man of man dreams. He is my best friend, my soul mate.
So how has it happened that in the last few months he has become less attractive to me. I had posted in another blog about the disillusionment of discovering my husband consistently watches porn. Or looks at pornographic photographs.
This behavior is totally repulsive to me. To the point that sometimes I just have to "go with the motions" during intercourse. How can I get back to the way I first felt about my husband when he will not stop th behavior?
Monday, November 19, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
About nothing
So lately it feels like all we talk about is little nothing's. insignificant conversation is so grueling and it really has started me wondering what we actually have in common. Aside from our children it seems lately we have nothing of interest to discuss.
We used to share a mutual interest in food. I am a chef by profession, so cooking, eating, anything to do with food really intrigued me and I believe my husband shared the same passion so we were instantly connected over it. We have a passion for travel and have gone to many places with food as our main destination.
How do two people who love each other so much end up so far apart? It's lack of effort. I believe modern technology is definitely to blame. All I talk about is the latest Facebook drama and all he talks about is what story he read about on reddit ( which I detest by the way) but that's another blog.
I think that I have become afraid to state opinions for fears that he Won't love me or that he will think my thoughts are unintelligent or boring or unoriginal. How did I get to this point? Reducing myself to background noise. I used to be strong, had opinions about everything. Now I can't seem to disagree about anything.
What's worse is my husband has repeatedly told me how much this bugs him. He's tired of me answering everything with "I don't know" or " I don't care," so how do I change? How do I
Get back to the person I was. I do admit that being the mom I get so exhausted of making decisions all day long.
But I live in fear that my marriage will fail if our communication doesn't improve.
So what are some good tips for keeping things interesting. Conversation pieces? Not sure but it's something I must definitely work on.
We used to share a mutual interest in food. I am a chef by profession, so cooking, eating, anything to do with food really intrigued me and I believe my husband shared the same passion so we were instantly connected over it. We have a passion for travel and have gone to many places with food as our main destination.
How do two people who love each other so much end up so far apart? It's lack of effort. I believe modern technology is definitely to blame. All I talk about is the latest Facebook drama and all he talks about is what story he read about on reddit ( which I detest by the way) but that's another blog.
I think that I have become afraid to state opinions for fears that he Won't love me or that he will think my thoughts are unintelligent or boring or unoriginal. How did I get to this point? Reducing myself to background noise. I used to be strong, had opinions about everything. Now I can't seem to disagree about anything.
What's worse is my husband has repeatedly told me how much this bugs him. He's tired of me answering everything with "I don't know" or " I don't care," so how do I change? How do I
Get back to the person I was. I do admit that being the mom I get so exhausted of making decisions all day long.
But I live in fear that my marriage will fail if our communication doesn't improve.
So what are some good tips for keeping things interesting. Conversation pieces? Not sure but it's something I must definitely work on.
Friday, November 16, 2012
End of magic
2 weeks after the birth of my second child... That's the day I stopped believing in fairy tales. I remember the way my heart sank, the way my voice caught in my throat. I remember making light of it, mostly out of shock and disbelief.
He was sitting in the rocking chair holding our new baby, the oldest child playing on his train table having a great time... He asked me for his iPhone, he often used it to control our apple television. He wanted to change the show he was watching and as I turned on the phone to pick the right app... That's when I saw them.
God, I can't remember ever feeling like such a joke.. Like the rug was pulled out from under me. I grew up believing that Cinderella, sleeping beauty and the like we're real and totally achievable. How lucky could one girl get, finding a man who could love only her for the rest of their lives. A happily ever after... Gee, what a joke!
I always dreamed of having a daughter, a little princess. That dream also died that day. What kind of daughter could I raise. How could I teach her about self respect, grace, dignity and believing in herself. How could I teach her about true love and believing in herself, when I myself felt so low, disrespected, and taken advantage of. How is it possible to tell a daughter she shouldn't dress a certain way and act like a lady when her own father would look at women in lust because of the way they looked or the sexual acts they performed. But perhaps the most terrifying reality for me was, how am I expected to raise two boys? How can I show them to respect themselves, their hearts and women? When their own father doesn't have that respect.
I am not naive, I knew that my husband was into all this before we got married. I remember the fight we had after his bachelor party, how furious I was, not about the stripper per say, but because I knew her. I knew that any other stripper I'd never see again. This woman was best friends with a friend of mine. I felt so betrayed and disrespected. I had specifically told my husband I didn't want that woman to strip for him prior to his party, that I wasn't comfortable with it as I may very well run into her someday. How awkward. His excuse then was he was at the mercy of his friends.
I also stood by when he went to the playboy mansion prior to our wedding. I thought my heart would explode, waiting for that night to be over!
Call it naive, or high hopes, but I just assumed that this would stop when we got married. I expected that after the birth of two children, I would've earned enough respect for him to Stop objectifying women, was it to much to ask that I be enough for him as he always has been for me?
I remember planning my oldest sons 3rd birthday party. I was looking for a picture to put on his invitation, I couldn't find anything i liked in my computer, so I browsed my husbands. Boy, did I have the shock of a lifetime. I can't even begin to express my disgust, my anger, resentment, but most of all the extreme sadness I felt. I discovered hundreds of videos and dozens of pictures of pornographic nature. I felt like I was being speared through the chest. I remember after going through his Internet history and finding dozens of sites, more of the same material.
As a mother of young children it is near impossible to find time for yourself, mundane things like eating, showering, and using the restroom are a privilege. So while I had no time for myself my husband spent countless hours downloading and watching porn. Needless to say, felt a little taken advantage of. What was worse is that during my pregnancy I was so unbelievably aroused, all the time, and he hardly touched me. I felt fat, disgusting, and unattractive. So during this time, my husband spent his days fantasizing about practically perfect, whores, while I had given up nearly everything of myself and my career to mother our children.
In my life I always wanted to be married, have children, and be blissfully in love with my spouse. Today I find myself wondering if knowing what I know now, would I still get married? There was a time when I was ready to give it up. Live a life in my dream city of Boston, work as a chef and date occasionally. But then I would never have had my children and that is a decision that I could never in a million years regret.
Now, to be fair, my husband is a wonderful man, hard working, a great father, he is my best friend, my soul mate. So how can I be so disillusioned with our relationship now? It is almost a darkness that looms in my heart over this matter. How can I reconcile in my heart this wonderful man I married, with the man who spends his days fantasizing about fucking other women! ? How in my heart can I be ok with Him loving me and telling me how beautiful I am, and how much he wants me while he watches other women perform disgusting sexual acts with random strangers simply for the fact that they are "impossibly perfect" as he puts it. My body has been mutilated and deformed from the inside out from the pregnancies and births of our children, not to mention other side effects. So why would he want me when I will never be as perfect as those women? Even now my body continues to change, as it always will since time will always take its toll. How can I bear to have him look at me and point out flaws and not feel disgusted with him or myself.
As a woman I never had too many issues with self esteem. I was always strong, confident, and always willing to put myself out there for love. After the discovery of my husbands dirty habit, I find myself worried about my weight, the way I dress, and wether or not I'm sexy enough for my husband. But worst of all I have become paranoid. Does my husband watch porn and then come and have sex with me? At which point I wonder is he thinking about me or some Internet slut and he just needs release? Other times when were together he tells me he's finished and goes to sleep but in the morning he goes to the porn, is he saving his orgasm for this? But worse yet I find myself spying his phone and computer and feel even more devastated because I always find what I'm looking for. I feel so guilty, like I'm betraying him, even though in my heart he is betraying me in a worse way. But perhaps I feel the worse of all when I tell him how I feel, how it affects me and he says he doesn't need or want my permission, but worse that I keep finding more and more porn. How can I be in a relationship like this? Oh right... Love.
But is this real love, when one person sacrifices all of themselves for their family, marriage, to make them happy. Yet my husband remains unwilling to quit his porn habit. I've tried all in my power so far, tried dressing better, waxing, being sexier, more adventurous in the bedroom. Even only pleasing him. But still I'm not enough to divert his attention. And because I'm not perfect.
It's really beginning to take its toll, I walk around with this charade that is nearly killing me, trying to pretend to be happy and act normal and sexy.. It's really driving me insane! There are days I just cry because there's no other release that will help.
I did a lot of Internet research about husbands who view porn, and how to find ways to be ok with it. And there was one statistic that stayed with me 50% of marriages end with divorce, of that percentage half of them end because of porn use. 25% is a remarkable statistic for something that is supposed to be " no big deal." Another thing I discovered is how livid men and women can get when you attack porn or merely say you wish your husband didn't watch it. It was along the lines of, stop trying to control your husband, it's not like he's cheating, maybe you should lose weight, or be more sexually available.
We are women taking care of our families, trying to please our spouse as best we can, and yet we are degraded into feeling like garbage because we would like our husbands to keep their wedding vows. "I will love, honor, cherish you all the days of my life." Where is the honor in making your spouse feel worthless. How can you love and cherish someone when they fantasize about all the other women they'll never be with? Didn't the vows promise that he'd be faithful all the days of his life? How is lusting after other women keeping faithful?
Some would say well he's being faithful because he's not physically cheating. I read a quote in the bible where Jesus was preaching and he said, " he who looks at a woman with lust in his heart, is committing adultery in his heart, and it is just as if he did commit adultery." But worse I read, " if a man commits adultery and then lays with his wife, she also is committing adultery." So does this mean that even if I am a good woman and care for my family, and honor my wedding vows my chances at heaven are affected because of my husband committing "adultery in his heart."
This is what terrified me most. Because I truly believed that when people Marry , their souls join as one, so all the impurity he puts into his is directly shared with me.
In my Research I also couldn't believe how many women are affected by this issue. And the men tell them they're crazy. Or it's their fault because they aren't available enough, or stopped dressing as they did or spend too much time caring for their children. I found that men found any excuse so that their precious habit could be justifiable.
One thing that stayed with me was that there were studies done where men that watched porn said they weren't affected by it, but after 10-15 years of watching the way they perceived a woman's beauty changed. So they were only attracted to the porn star look, therefore neglecting the women they were married to and increasing their porn use.
Constant in my research however was the old as time saying, " boys will be boys." They are men, just let them have their porn." This is such a cop out to me! It encourages men to continue to be boys, to not be accountable for their own actions. It gives them an easy out so that they don't have to be mentally faithful to their wives.
I can see now how imperative it is to raise good men, it starts at home with their mothers. Being women they can look up to, holding them accountable for their actions and absolutely stopping porn in its tracks. Showing them that real women are beautiful and worth being with.
But perhaps the most valuable lessons could be taught to your daughters, raising strong, idependent, self confident, lovely women. Who aren't afraid to be beautiful, who can look in the mirror and see the value in their bodies and that perhaps being sexy isn't necessary when you love yourself. That a woman in modest attire can still exude strength, confidence, and be sexy. Teach young women that the faith and respect that we show to ourselves supersedes that of what a man thinks of us. Because as I've come to find out from a size 0 to 22 your husband will still watch porn, so our only hope is to stop porn before it happens and it starts with our children And how we raise them.
He was sitting in the rocking chair holding our new baby, the oldest child playing on his train table having a great time... He asked me for his iPhone, he often used it to control our apple television. He wanted to change the show he was watching and as I turned on the phone to pick the right app... That's when I saw them.
God, I can't remember ever feeling like such a joke.. Like the rug was pulled out from under me. I grew up believing that Cinderella, sleeping beauty and the like we're real and totally achievable. How lucky could one girl get, finding a man who could love only her for the rest of their lives. A happily ever after... Gee, what a joke!
I always dreamed of having a daughter, a little princess. That dream also died that day. What kind of daughter could I raise. How could I teach her about self respect, grace, dignity and believing in herself. How could I teach her about true love and believing in herself, when I myself felt so low, disrespected, and taken advantage of. How is it possible to tell a daughter she shouldn't dress a certain way and act like a lady when her own father would look at women in lust because of the way they looked or the sexual acts they performed. But perhaps the most terrifying reality for me was, how am I expected to raise two boys? How can I show them to respect themselves, their hearts and women? When their own father doesn't have that respect.
I am not naive, I knew that my husband was into all this before we got married. I remember the fight we had after his bachelor party, how furious I was, not about the stripper per say, but because I knew her. I knew that any other stripper I'd never see again. This woman was best friends with a friend of mine. I felt so betrayed and disrespected. I had specifically told my husband I didn't want that woman to strip for him prior to his party, that I wasn't comfortable with it as I may very well run into her someday. How awkward. His excuse then was he was at the mercy of his friends.
I also stood by when he went to the playboy mansion prior to our wedding. I thought my heart would explode, waiting for that night to be over!
Call it naive, or high hopes, but I just assumed that this would stop when we got married. I expected that after the birth of two children, I would've earned enough respect for him to Stop objectifying women, was it to much to ask that I be enough for him as he always has been for me?
I remember planning my oldest sons 3rd birthday party. I was looking for a picture to put on his invitation, I couldn't find anything i liked in my computer, so I browsed my husbands. Boy, did I have the shock of a lifetime. I can't even begin to express my disgust, my anger, resentment, but most of all the extreme sadness I felt. I discovered hundreds of videos and dozens of pictures of pornographic nature. I felt like I was being speared through the chest. I remember after going through his Internet history and finding dozens of sites, more of the same material.
As a mother of young children it is near impossible to find time for yourself, mundane things like eating, showering, and using the restroom are a privilege. So while I had no time for myself my husband spent countless hours downloading and watching porn. Needless to say, felt a little taken advantage of. What was worse is that during my pregnancy I was so unbelievably aroused, all the time, and he hardly touched me. I felt fat, disgusting, and unattractive. So during this time, my husband spent his days fantasizing about practically perfect, whores, while I had given up nearly everything of myself and my career to mother our children.
In my life I always wanted to be married, have children, and be blissfully in love with my spouse. Today I find myself wondering if knowing what I know now, would I still get married? There was a time when I was ready to give it up. Live a life in my dream city of Boston, work as a chef and date occasionally. But then I would never have had my children and that is a decision that I could never in a million years regret.
Now, to be fair, my husband is a wonderful man, hard working, a great father, he is my best friend, my soul mate. So how can I be so disillusioned with our relationship now? It is almost a darkness that looms in my heart over this matter. How can I reconcile in my heart this wonderful man I married, with the man who spends his days fantasizing about fucking other women! ? How in my heart can I be ok with Him loving me and telling me how beautiful I am, and how much he wants me while he watches other women perform disgusting sexual acts with random strangers simply for the fact that they are "impossibly perfect" as he puts it. My body has been mutilated and deformed from the inside out from the pregnancies and births of our children, not to mention other side effects. So why would he want me when I will never be as perfect as those women? Even now my body continues to change, as it always will since time will always take its toll. How can I bear to have him look at me and point out flaws and not feel disgusted with him or myself.
As a woman I never had too many issues with self esteem. I was always strong, confident, and always willing to put myself out there for love. After the discovery of my husbands dirty habit, I find myself worried about my weight, the way I dress, and wether or not I'm sexy enough for my husband. But worst of all I have become paranoid. Does my husband watch porn and then come and have sex with me? At which point I wonder is he thinking about me or some Internet slut and he just needs release? Other times when were together he tells me he's finished and goes to sleep but in the morning he goes to the porn, is he saving his orgasm for this? But worse yet I find myself spying his phone and computer and feel even more devastated because I always find what I'm looking for. I feel so guilty, like I'm betraying him, even though in my heart he is betraying me in a worse way. But perhaps I feel the worse of all when I tell him how I feel, how it affects me and he says he doesn't need or want my permission, but worse that I keep finding more and more porn. How can I be in a relationship like this? Oh right... Love.
But is this real love, when one person sacrifices all of themselves for their family, marriage, to make them happy. Yet my husband remains unwilling to quit his porn habit. I've tried all in my power so far, tried dressing better, waxing, being sexier, more adventurous in the bedroom. Even only pleasing him. But still I'm not enough to divert his attention. And because I'm not perfect.
It's really beginning to take its toll, I walk around with this charade that is nearly killing me, trying to pretend to be happy and act normal and sexy.. It's really driving me insane! There are days I just cry because there's no other release that will help.
I did a lot of Internet research about husbands who view porn, and how to find ways to be ok with it. And there was one statistic that stayed with me 50% of marriages end with divorce, of that percentage half of them end because of porn use. 25% is a remarkable statistic for something that is supposed to be " no big deal." Another thing I discovered is how livid men and women can get when you attack porn or merely say you wish your husband didn't watch it. It was along the lines of, stop trying to control your husband, it's not like he's cheating, maybe you should lose weight, or be more sexually available.
We are women taking care of our families, trying to please our spouse as best we can, and yet we are degraded into feeling like garbage because we would like our husbands to keep their wedding vows. "I will love, honor, cherish you all the days of my life." Where is the honor in making your spouse feel worthless. How can you love and cherish someone when they fantasize about all the other women they'll never be with? Didn't the vows promise that he'd be faithful all the days of his life? How is lusting after other women keeping faithful?
Some would say well he's being faithful because he's not physically cheating. I read a quote in the bible where Jesus was preaching and he said, " he who looks at a woman with lust in his heart, is committing adultery in his heart, and it is just as if he did commit adultery." But worse I read, " if a man commits adultery and then lays with his wife, she also is committing adultery." So does this mean that even if I am a good woman and care for my family, and honor my wedding vows my chances at heaven are affected because of my husband committing "adultery in his heart."
This is what terrified me most. Because I truly believed that when people Marry , their souls join as one, so all the impurity he puts into his is directly shared with me.
In my Research I also couldn't believe how many women are affected by this issue. And the men tell them they're crazy. Or it's their fault because they aren't available enough, or stopped dressing as they did or spend too much time caring for their children. I found that men found any excuse so that their precious habit could be justifiable.
One thing that stayed with me was that there were studies done where men that watched porn said they weren't affected by it, but after 10-15 years of watching the way they perceived a woman's beauty changed. So they were only attracted to the porn star look, therefore neglecting the women they were married to and increasing their porn use.
Constant in my research however was the old as time saying, " boys will be boys." They are men, just let them have their porn." This is such a cop out to me! It encourages men to continue to be boys, to not be accountable for their own actions. It gives them an easy out so that they don't have to be mentally faithful to their wives.
I can see now how imperative it is to raise good men, it starts at home with their mothers. Being women they can look up to, holding them accountable for their actions and absolutely stopping porn in its tracks. Showing them that real women are beautiful and worth being with.
But perhaps the most valuable lessons could be taught to your daughters, raising strong, idependent, self confident, lovely women. Who aren't afraid to be beautiful, who can look in the mirror and see the value in their bodies and that perhaps being sexy isn't necessary when you love yourself. That a woman in modest attire can still exude strength, confidence, and be sexy. Teach young women that the faith and respect that we show to ourselves supersedes that of what a man thinks of us. Because as I've come to find out from a size 0 to 22 your husband will still watch porn, so our only hope is to stop porn before it happens and it starts with our children And how we raise them.
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